Shipped Out
by Kara Wild
Summary: Daria dreams of her future life with Trent. But when she learns he has a girlfriend, her fantasies start to go awry... Written before "Lane Miserables."


"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is **not** an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics... 

This is the fourth fic in my chronology. Although I don't have to list the others in order anymore, I will:

  1. "Rose-Colored Lenses," 
  2. "The Tie That Chokes," 
  3. "That Thing You Say." This isn't really a follow-up, although it does allude to my last fanfic.

I'd give this fic a 1.5S, maybe even a 1S. It's a fairly quick read...

Moreover, the tone of this episode is strikingly different from that of "That Thing You Say" or even "The Tie That Chokes." It's lighter... and, some would say, more wicked. If you're a hardcore 'shipper who can't bear to see Trent **or** Daria with anyone else, my message to you is as follows: Get **away**! Get awaaaaaaaaaay!! Don't read this!

The rest of you.....................enjoy!

**Ten Spot Promo:** The freaked-out woman is standing in the dark, holding a candle. She looks around, quivering, "W-who's there??" Then the scary looking guy shows up behind her. **Eek**!

[intro theme music...................]

# 'SHIPPED OUT

_by_

## Kara Wild

* * *

**ACT ONE**

SCENE 1 (_a land unknown_)

(Pink clouds swirl around. Soft New Age music plays. In the distance, we see a silhouette of Trent. Suddenly, the clouds part, and Trent walks forward into the foreground. He stares straight ahead off screen, smiles a crooked smile.)

**TRENT:** (_purring. voice echoing_) Daria?

(Pause. cut to close-up Daria. She's standing there, wearing her dreamy-eyed "Trent" expression.)

**DARIA:** (_sweet. vulnerable_) Yes, Trent?

**TRENT:** You know, I've never said this before, but I think you've really **grown** on me.

**DARIA:** **Really**, Trent?

**TRENT:** Yeah. In fact, I'd really like it if we could (_pause_) get **together**.

**DARIA:** Get together?

**TRENT:** Yeah, get **together**.

**DARIA:** Cool. (_Pause. frowns slightly and speaks in her normal reasonable tone_) But, by **getting together**, wouldn't we be violating several statutory rape laws?

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** What's "statutory rape"?

**DARIA:** I dunno.

(cut to close-up Trent. We see only his face and upper torso, which is bare. He cocks an eyebrow. cut to close-up Daria. We see only her face and upper shoulders -- also bare. Daria wears a smirk that is about as close to a smile as she can get. Suddenly, from off screen, we hear a piercing beep. Daria frowns and glances sideways...)

(Suddenly **poof**, everything vanishes. We find Daria in bed, opening her eyes. She glances at her alarm clock, a confused expression on her face. Her confusion quickly turns to irritation . She glares at the alarm clock, then reaches over and whacks the snooze button with her fist. Sits up, puts a hand on her forehead, realizes she's all sweaty.)

**DARIA:** (_stunned and a little breathless_) Whoa.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_walking to school the next morning_)

(_Shot of Daria and Jane walking down a residential sidewalk._)

**DARIA:** I had that dream again last night.

**JANE:** The one where we burst into song?

(_Beat. Daria makes a sour face._)

**DARIA:** **Ugh** -- God, no. (_Bt_) But this one was almost as bad. It --

(_Jane puts her hands up._)

**JANE:** **Wait** -- say no more. (_Bt_) Daria, if you're gonna say what I **think** you're gonna say, please spare me the details. He's my **brother**, remember?

**DARIA:** Sorry.

(_Pause_)

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Wow, second one in a week. (_Bt_) You've really got it bad for him, haven't you?

(_Daria looks embarrassed to be talking about this._)

**DARIA:** (_muttering_) Yeah. I've gone from petty crush to committing penal code violations. What's next?

(_Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** I dunno. But do yourself **one** favor: next time you dream about **ugh** (_shudders to indicate the act_) with my brother, dream yourself a few years **older**, okay??

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_O'Neill's class_)

(Shot of O'Neill, his back to us, scribbling stuff on the board. We see the title **Othello** with arrows pointing downward to "Othello" and "Desdemona," along with some other names. cut to frontal close-up Daria and Jane, sitting at their desks. Daria stares at the board impassively. Jane leans toward her.)

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Remember what I told you about hitting him with the megaphone and floodlights??

**DARIA:** (_resolute_) No.

**JANE:** But think of the possibilities!

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Yeah -- the possibility of me being dragged off in a white coat without sleeves because **no** one in their right mind would do something **that** stupid.

(_Jane tosses her hands in the air, sits up straight at her desk._)

**JANE:** (_a bit exasperated_) Okay, **fine**. Do you have any **better** ideas??

**DARIA:** (_mumbling. uncertain_) Um, well I was just, um...

(_Jane smirks with satisfaction._)

**JANE:** I thought not. (_Bt. more serious_) Listen, Daria, I'm really starting to think you should just tell Trent how you feel about him, the sooner the better.

**DARIA:** And if I choose to suffer in silence?

(_Jane shrugs, looks a tad resigned._)

**JANE:** Well, then, there's the possibility... I don't know, that he could **meet** somebody.

(Pause. For a second, Daria just sits there, blinking her eyes and looking startled. She's never thought about this before -- has never **wanted** to.)

**DARIA:** (_somewhat distressed_) You're not serious??

(Jane realizes that she's stumbled into delicate territory. Tries to make light of it.)

**JANE:** Well, no... hey, I'm just speculating... (_bursts out a chuckle or two_) I mean, this is **Trent** we're talking about.

**DARIA:** (_relieved. smirking_) Yeah -- it's enough he manages to clothe and feed himself. Dating would kill him.

(Cut to shot of O'Neill in the front of the room. He turns around and faces the class, hands clasped together in an "oh boy, **goody**" manner.)

**O'NEILL:** Class, today we bid farewell to our beloved incompetent monarch, King Lear, and start our focus on one of Shakespeare's most famous couples --

(_Brittany waves her hand._)

**BRITTANY:** (_spacy cheerful_) Romeo and Juliet??

(_Pause_)

**O'NEILL:** Uh... no, Brittany. (_gestures at the blackboard_) Othello and Desdemona.

**JANE:** (_hushed. to Daria_) To think how much that poor girl must've had to strain her brain to come up with that.

**DARIA:** (_barely comprehending murmur_) Mmmm...

(She wears a reflective expression. Jane sees that she's not entirely "with it" and turns her attention back to O'Neill.)

**O'NEILL:** (_taking this too seriously tone_) Othello and Desdemona -- such a lovely pair, yet everything went so **wrong**. Why is that??

(_Cut to close-up Daria, still reflective._)

**O'NEILL:** (_off screen_) Why were two people from **such** different worlds drawn together in the first place? Othello, a black Moor in a white society.....

(O'Neill's voice fades away. Suddenly, the whole scene fades out. fade-in to a fantasy scene taking place several years later. Daria and Trent are standing with Helen and Jake by the Morgendorffers' front door. Daria, Helen, and Jake all look the way they did in the "Write Where It Hurts" fantasy future sequence. Trent looks about the same as we're used to seeing him -- only he's got a full goatee, a receding hairline, and a bit of a spare tire. Helen and Jake appear distressed, while Daria is calm, but determined.)

**HELEN:** But you two are so **different**!

**JAKE:** Yeah! (_gestures at Daria_) You're a successful columnist at a major national newspaper **and** are on tenure track at a world-class university, while he's, he's a -- (_gestures at Trent_)

**TRENT:** (_deadpan_) A musician.

(_Daria puts her arms around his waist._)

**DARIA:** (_defending him_) An artist. A poet about life.

(_Trent looks at her questioningly. Then his face goes reflective._)

**TRENT:** Hmm... (_likes the way "poet about life" sounds_)

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** (_still distressed_) But what about that **nice** boy, Marcello? Weren't you two going out??

**DARIA:** (_scoffing_) Marcello's a pompous intellectual sealed away in his ivory tower. Whereas Trent's out where life is happening. He tries to change society through song.

**TRENT:** Um, yeah. (_a slightly puzzled look on his face_)

(_Meanwhile, Jake's going into his explosive mode._)

**JAKE:** Well **I'm** not gonna **stand** for it!!!

**HELEN:** (_cautioning_) Jakey, your heart...

**JAKE:** I don't **care**, Helen! (_to Daria_) I'm telling you, Daria, if you **marry** this jerk, I'm cutting you out of my will!!!

**HELEN:** (_resigned_) Jake, don't **bother** -- it won't make a difference. (_Bt_) She's **already** earned millions of dollars from her three award-winning best sellers, not to mention thousands more on the lecture circuit.

**JAKE:** (_realizing she's right. resigned, too_) Hmm, oh yeah.

(_Daria turns to Trent._)

**DARIA:** C'mon, let's go before the chapel closes.

(_Trent cocks a brow._)

**TRENT:** Yeah, we are **there**, baby.

(_A slight frown passes across Daria's face. fade-out._)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Lawndale High hallway, the present -- toward the end of the day_)

(_Close-up Jane._)

**JANE:** Earth to Daria.

(Cut to wide shot. Daria's standing by her locker, in a daze. She shakes her head, comes to.)

**DARIA:** (_startled_) Huh?

**JANE:** (_puzzled. amused_) Geez, you've been a **space** cadet all day. What's up?

**DARIA:** (_still a bit dazed_) Uh, what time is it? (_looks down, checks her watch_) Oh -- time to leave.

**JANE:** I see your watch finally works.

(_Daria shakes her head._)

**DARIA:** Actually, I bought a new one while Amy was here. (_holds it up for Jane to see_) You know, sometimes shopping **does** have its advantages.

(_Jane looks. Her face lights up with awe._)

**JANE:** Whoa! That's a watch?! You sure it's not a mini nuclear explosive device?

(_Daria shrugs._)

**DARIA:** Whatever gets me through life. (_Bt_) Check out the **stun** feature.

(_Jane examines it. Then, from off screen: _)

**BRITTANY:** **Yoo-hoo**?? Daria? Jane?

**JANE:** (_to Daria. hushed. wry_) And here's your chance to **use** it.

(Brittany and Kevin walk on screen. Brittany, of course, wears a vacant expression and is twirling a lock of hair. Kevin, of course, is his goofy self. Daria points her watch at them as if prepared to take Jane's advice.)

**BRITTANY:** (_spacy cheerful and oblivious to Daria's intentions_) Gosh, you guys, Kevvy and I were talking and **we** think Othello's, like, a super-romantic play. Don't **you** think so??

(_Daria lowers her watch._)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) If, by "romantic," you mean pathetic and sad, then yes.

**JANE:** The part when Othello kills Desdemona always gives me a warm and squishy feeling inside.

**BRITTANY:** Me **too**!

(_Daria and Jane groan._)

**JANE:** Listen, we'd love to stay and discuss the play's parallels with modern inter-racial dating, but -- (_nudges Daria_)

**DARIA:** (_looking at her watch_) Yeah, but...

**JANE:** -- we have to go. **Don't** we, Daria?

**DARIA:** Yeah, we're late for our, uh, meeting.

(_Kevin scratches his head._)

**KEVIN:** (_confused_) Gosh, for nerds who, like, don't belong to anything **cool**, you guys always seem to gotta go somewhere.

**BRITTANY:** (_to Daria_) Yeah. You're always checking your watch.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Actually, we **do** belong to something "cool": we're part of the Conscientious Objectors Society.

**JANE:** Very exclusive. Takes up almost **all** our time.

**BRITTANY:** Gee, where **is** this Conscious Objectors Society?

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** We'd tell you, Brittany, but I'm afraid your and Kevin's kind just wouldn't be accepted among us.

**BRITTANY:** Eap!

**KEVIN:** But we're popular!

**JANE:** (_faux apologetic_) I **know**, and that's what makes it so hard to understand.

**DARIA:** Happy reading.

(They leave, while Brittany and Kevin scratch their heads with wonder. pan shot to follow Daria and Jane walking. Jane leans toward Daria.)

**JANE:** (_mischievous_) How 'bout we swing by **my** house? You-know-who will be there practicing.

**DARIA:** (_uncomfortable_) Um, didn't you hear what I said? Conscientious Objectors Society meeting?

**JANE:** Oh no -- you're not playing conscientious objector **this** time around.

**DARIA:** (_mildly annoyed_) Well if **that's** your attitude (_sighs. shrugs_), **fine**. Let's go.

(_They walk silently. Then we hear an off screen voice-over: _)

**TRENT:** There's no **way** we're like Kevin and Brittany.

(Cut to a shot of the older Daria and Trent riding in a car. Trent lounges in the front passenger seat, looking half-asleep, wearing a crooked smile. Daria's driving and smirking.)

**DARIA:** Yeah. Theirs was a marriage gone horribly, horribly wrong.

**TRENT:** Ex-actly.

**DARIA:** What with Kevin busting his knee in college and having to take a price checker's job at the local mini mart.

**TRENT:** And Brittany having never finished high school 'cause Kevin got her pregnant on prom night. (_Bt_) They're not like **us**, Daria. I'm **me**, and you're a sexy, courageous, intelligent woman with an amazing ability to see life for what it is and deliver that ever so apt line to describe it.

(_Daria smirks, flattered._)

**DARIA:** Thanks, Trent! (_Bt_) Oh, and by the way: did I mention that my mom said Quinn delivered the twins safely this morning?

(_Trent rolls his eyes._)

**TRENT:** (_amused. condescending_) **How** many does that make, now??

**DARIA:** A litter.

**TRENT:** That's **pathetic**.

**DARIA:** Yeah, and maybe some day, Dr. Jamie'll find it in his heart to do the right thing: give them away to good homes, and have my sister spayed.

(_Trent bursts out chuckling, coughs._)

**TRENT:** **Good** one. (_Bt_) You know, while some may find your witty barbs to be in socially poor taste, **I** think they're entirely appropriate.

**DARIA:** (_more flattered_) **Thanks**. (_Bt_) I guess that's why we make such a good team.

**TRENT:** Yeah. I can't **wait** to take you out to L.A. with me and the rest of Mystik Spiral.

(_Pause. Daria frowns a little._)

**DARIA:** Um, L.A.?

**TRENT:** That's where you **go** if you want to make it in the music business.

**DARIA:** (_frowning more_) Oh, um, you do?

**TRENT:** Mmm-hmm. We really wanna **share** our message with the world.

(_Daria looks slightly mollified._)

**DARIA:** Oh, well, when you put it **that** way. (_Pause_) I guess I can take a leave of absence from my teaching.

**TRENT:** Hey, cool. For however long it takes.

(_Daria glances at him with a vaguely wary expression. fade-out._)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 4 (_walking to the Lanes' house, afternoon, the present_)

(_Shot of Daria and Jane walking down a residential sidewalk._)

**JANE:** (_uncomprehending_) So when she tried to hug you, you **ducked** under her arms and ran into the bathroom??

**DARIA:** You make it sound so immature.

**JANE:** (_sarcastic_) Gee, I don't know why -- it's something any mature, sound-minded adult would do.

**DARIA:** I thought as much at the time.

(_Beat. Jane rolls her eyes, sighs a little._)

**JANE:** Daria, I don't **get** it: I thought you an' your mom were cool, now. After you poured your guts out to her in that song --

(_Now it's Daria's turn to roll her eyes._)

**JANE:** -- which I'd like to **hear**, sometime, by the way.

**DARIA:** You will -- some day, when the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are beating down our doors, I might hum you a few bars.

**JANE:** You're too kind.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Look, I'll confess that I **do** feel closer to my mom since I wrote that song. (_Bt_) But she has to realize I'm not ready for warm-and-fuzzy girl talk over cafe au lait.

**JANE:** (_deadpan_) Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

**DARIA:** Which is exactly what I told her. (_Bt_) I think she's getting the idea.

(_Jane chuckles slightly._)

**JANE:** Yeah, and compared with a relationship between **you** two, Rome was probably a **lot** easier to build.

(Daria frowns mildly at her. Off screen, we suddenly hear a huge **bang** and the loud sound of an electric guitar. Jane smirks wickedly at Daria.)

**JANE:** Well **look** who's home.

**DARIA:** (_annoyed_) Gee, I'd've never guessed. (_Bt. tries vainly to weasel out of going to Jane's._) You know, with all the vibrations from that guitar, your T.V. reception's probably pretty distorted. We'd better go over to my place. (_starts to turn around_)

(_Jane puts an arm on her shoulder._)

**JANE:** **Not** so fast. Your fate awaits you in that house, my dear friend.

(_Daria glares at her._)

**DARIA:** And hopefully yours, as well. Maybe you'll meet your maker.

**JANE:** Don't try to be cute with me, now.

(Shot of the Lanes' house. Jane and Daria walk up the front walkway, Daria dragging behind.)

**JANE:** (_still wicked_) You know, a song would be the **ideal** way to show Trent you care.

**DARIA:** Not a chance. My humiliation reached its peak with the last one.

**JANE:** A stanza?

**DARIA:** Nope.

(_They reach the door. Jane's about to open it._)

**DARIA:** The music seems louder than usual today --

(As she says this, Jane opens the door, and they're greeted by a wave of loud music that almost knocks them off their feet. cut to shot of Trent, sitting on the stairs in the foreground, strumming an electric guitar -- different from the one he played in "That Thing You Say." Daria and Jane are in the background. They walk up to Trent, wearing pained, peevish expressions.)

**JANE:** (_yelling_) Yo, Trent! You're scaring the whole neighborhood with that racket!

(_Trent stops playing._)

**DARIA:** (_right as he stops, so he can hear_) Or at least giving them permanent hearing loss. (claps a hand over her mouth, reddens a bit, when she realizes what's happened)

**TRENT:** Sorry. (_smiles a crooked smile_) Hey Janey, Daria.

**JANE:** Hey. (_glances at Daria, nudges her_)

**DARIA:** (_still embarrassed_) Uh... hey.

**TRENT:** School's out already? (_Bt_) Man, I've been on a tear. Lost all track of time.

**JANE:** (_disbelief_) You stayed awake for more than an hour?

(_Trent shrugs slightly._)

**TRENT:** Just about.

(_Pause. Jane looks at Daria again, who still appears somewhat embarrassed._)

**JANE:** (_pointedly_) Gosh, Daria, would ya look at that. Trent's just sitting here. Right here. In front of you. Easy to talk to. (_more pointedly_) **Really** easy.

(Pause. Daria opens her mouth slowly, as if to speak. Then she shakes herself out of her trance.)

**DARIA:** Uh, but easier to **listen** to. (_Bt_) So, Trent, was that a new song you were playing?

**TRENT:** Yeah. It's called "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire." (_Bt_) Say, Daria, you're good with words. Could ya help me out with something?

**DARIA:** Um, sure. What d' you need?

**TRENT:** Which d' you think sounds better? "I'm slow-cooking, watch me burn," or "I'm slow-**roasting**"?

**JANE:** (_deadpan_) Tough choice.

(_Pause. Daria frowns with thought._)

**DARIA:** Well, er, slow-**roasting**, I guess. It has more sizzle.

**TRENT:** Cool. Thanks.

(_Pause_)

**JANE:** (_glancing at Daria_) So now that we're past the formalities --

**DARIA:** (_purposely cutting her off_) Trent, why don't you **play** the song for us?? (_glances sideways at Jane, frowns_)

(_Trent cocks an eyebrow._)

**TRENT:** Sure. Be glad to.

(He strums his guitar, launches into the song. cut to close-up Daria, wearing a relieved expression. fade-out.)

(fade-in to a flashback, taking place a little more than a week ago -- the afternoon Daria wrote her song with Trent in "That Thing You Say." Daria's sitting on a beanbag chair in Trent's room. Trent sits on the bed, holding the guitar he played in TTYS. Daria hums a few suggestive notes, then Trent strums them on the guitar. Daria nods. Trent strums them a second time, sings: )

**TRENT:** (_softly_) "And this feeling I can't fight it... 'cause it's growing ev'ry day... so I guess I'll have to write it... and let-it-show-some-way." (_Pause_) This is nice.

**DARIA:** (_muttering. embarrassed_) Hmm, yeah.

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** Your mom'll like it.

(_Daria sighs._)

**DARIA:** I **hope** so.

(Trent starts strumming the chords again. Suddenly Daria's face takes on a look of horror.)

**DARIA:** I just realized something. (_Trent stops playing._) I'm gonna have to **sing** this to my mom.

**TRENT:** Hey, no problem. I'll take care of it.

(_Daria's horror changes to bewilderment._)

**DARIA:** You mean **you'll** sing the song??

**TRENT:** Sure.

(_Pause. Daria can't believe her good luck. She smiles/smirks._)

**DARIA:** Thanks, Trent. (_Bt. glances around_) I guess we need a tape recorder, then...

**TRENT:** Or better yet, how 'bout I just come over and sing it later? Hearing it live'd make it, I dunno, more **personal**.

(_Beat. Daria frowns slightly._)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Personal. My song sung by someone **else** in front of my entire family. (_Bt. shrugs_) Your idea has merit.

**TRENT:** Cool. So let's do it, then.

(_Beat. Daria nods, smirks._)

**DARIA:** Yeah, let's.

(Trent starts strumming the melody again. Daria nods her head slowly to the music. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the present. close-up Daria, still listening to Trent playing his song. She wears a dreamy expression. From off screen: )

TRENT: "I'm in **flames**!!!!! Burning-burning hell, burning-burning heeeeeeeeelllll...!!!!!"

(_Cut to wider shot. Jane leans toward Daria._)

**JANE:** You just **had** to encourage him, didn't you??

(Daria glances at her briefly, shakes her head. Turns her face away, launches into another daydream. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of a living room in an apartment. The older Daria sits at a table in the foreground, looking as though she was just typing something on her Mac laptop. Her chair is turned aside a little, and she leans toward the older Trent, who is lounging on the couch in the background. He's holding a guitar.)

**TRENT:** And to think, it was **that** song that set it in motion.

(_Daria smirks, nods._)

**DARIA:** Yeah.

**TRENT:** Our working together to create "Through Rhyme" enabled me to see through your stand-offish exterior to the strong, sensitive woman within.

**DARIA:** Uh-huh.

**TRENT:** And now... it's **our** song.

(_He starts to play it. Daria looks sort of uncomfortable._)

**DARIA:** Um, Trent?

(_Trent stops._)

**TRENT:** Mmm-hmm?

**DARIA:** Actually, that's my mom's song. I wrote it for her. Could you play something else?

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** Oh. Sure thing, baby.

(Daria frowns. Trent starts strumming music to the Lightning Seeds' "You Showed Me" from "Road Worrier.")

**TRENT:** (_singing_) "You... showed me how to do... exactly what you do, how I fell in love with you... oh-oh-oh --"

(_Daria interrupts him._)

**DARIA:** Um, Trent?

(_Trent stops._)

**TRENT:** Yeah?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Um, could you **not** call me "baby"? (_Bt_) My dad just stopped calling me "kiddo." I'd like to leave the infantile name stage behind me.

(_Pause. Trent shrugs._)

**TRENT:** (_nonchalant_) Yeah, sure. It's cool.

(He starts playing the "Road Worrier" song again. Daria wears an uneasy half-smirk. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the present. Close-up Daria, wearing that same expression. Off screen, we hear the sound of Trent finishing his song. cut to wide shot.)

**JANE:** (_deadpan_) Marvelous, Trent. Another winner.

**TRENT:** Thanks. (_Bt_) It's gonna be part of Mystik Spiral's first album. (_Bt_) Hey Daria, you wanna see the cover design Janey made for me?

**DARIA:** Sure.

**JANE:** (_to Daria. sarcastic_) Oh yes, **do** have a look.

(Trent reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper. He straightens it out, then holds it up to Daria. It's blank, except for a symbol drawn in black ink. Daria examines it and frowns.)

**TRENT:** So, what d' you think?

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** It's, um... (_long pause_) very... (_scrunches her nose_) **symmetrical**?

(_Trent nods._)

**TRENT:** Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?

**JANE:** (_sarcastic_) **Yes**, after all my hours of hard work, **he** picks the design shaped like the head of Hello Kitty.

(_Trent shrugs._)

**TRENT:** Whatever works.

(_Bt. Jane changes the subject._)

**JANE:** So Trent, what **brings** you above ground during daylight hours, anyway? (_Bt_) Did the bats fluttering around your room distract you from your work?

(_Trent chuckles, coughs._)

**TRENT:** No. (_Bt_) I just came up here to say goodbye to Denise.

(_Pause. Jane and Daria exchange wary glances._)

**JANE:** (_to Trent. trying to sound nonchalant_) Who's **Denise**? (_Bt_) A new back-up singer?

**TRENT:** Naw, she's this girl I've been seeing for the past few weeks.

(_Pause. Daria's eyes widen. Jane glances at her uneasily._)

**JANE:** (_to Trent_) You're **dating** again??

**TRENT:** Yeah -- finally. (_chuckles, coughs_) Ya know, it's funny, Janey --

(_Cut to close-up Daria, still looking stunned._)

**TRENT:** (_off screen_) -- I was starting to think I'd never meet anyone right for me. But Denise just kinda fell into my lap...

(With that, Daria lowers her face a little. We hear a few chords from the "Road Worrier" song, followed by a huge crashing sound of someone **loudly** hitting the wrong chord.)

**END OF ACT ONE**

[Split screen of present Daria sitting in Trent's beanbag chair and older Daria looking at Trent from the table.]

You are now entering commercial **HELL**. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

  * "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Andrea's finally talking to Daria. But will Daria like what she has to say?? (shots of Daria standing in front of the school bathroom mirror while Andrea stares at her, Quinn grabbing a sheet of paper away from Sandi) Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"

* Slim Fast: I'm a little shocked they're still marketing this stuff -- I thought it would go out of style like the rest of the "no pain, no gain" diet approaches of the '
80s. Back when I was younger and more insecure about my body, I actually tried S.F. for a couple of days. It tasted like crap and left me full for about 5 seconds. After that, even Richard Simmons looked good...

* Those MTV safe sex commercials where a bunch of college students are dancing around a room and going, "Oh **no**, he/she's **clean**, I can tell." For once, I'm not quite sure **why** this commercial bugs me; I mean, it's got a good message (_i.e: wear condoms during sex_). I guess it's because it's shown on MTV: sometimes I think MTV has sex on the brain. Wait, no, **all** the time...

You are now leaving commercial **HELL**. Aren't you happy you survived?

## 

'SHIPPED OUT

* * *

**ACT TWO**

SCENE 1 (_same as before: the Lanes' house, afternoon, the present_)

(Shot of Daria, Jane, and Trent as they were before. Daria looks crushed. Jane glances at her, then turns to Trent, frowning.)

**JANE:** Why didn't you **tell** me you were seeing someone?

(_Trent shrugs._)

**TRENT:** I dunno, it didn't occur to me. We're only --

**JANE:** (_peevish tone -- as if **she's** the one he's wronged_) **Didn't** occur to you?? Trent, I'm your **sister**. What, does that, like, not **matter** to you, or something?

**TRENT:** (_concerned. pacifying_) Hey Janey, I'm sorry... (He glances at Daria, who's still downcast and seemingly oblivious to what's going on. Thinks she's upset for Jane's sake. to Daria) Hey, I wasn't sure she was worth it at first, y' know?

(_His remark doesn't appear to register with Daria._)

**JANE:** (_still peevish_) **So**?? She's **still** someone in your life, Trent. You could've brought her by when you **first** started going out, or at least've given me some kind of **warning**.

(_Beat. Trent blinks._)

**TRENT:** (_confused_) Warning 'bout **what**?

(_Jane throws her hands up in the air._)

**JANE:** Well you'll never **know**, now, will you???

**TRENT:** Janey, I think you're making way too big a deal --

**JANE:** **Forget** it, Trent, just forget it. (_makes a slicing gesture with her hand that suggests "silence"_) I am **way** too mad at you right now --

**TRENT:** Jane, why're you acting like... a **mom**?

(_Jane makes a big "Ix-nay" gesture._)

**JANE:** Hey, **what** did I just say?! (_Bt_) You know, Trent, I am **so** mad at you right now, I don't even think I can stand to be in the same **house**. Come on, Daria -- let's go.

(_She starts to walk toward the door. Daria's frozen in place._)

**JANE:** (_more urgent_) **Daria**, I said come **on**. (_taps her foot_)

(Slowly Daria turns around and walks stiffly to the door. Jane opens it, and they leave. Trent watches them go. He then shakes his head in a "I don't get her" manner.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_walking_)

(cut to outside shot, frontal of Jane and Daria. They walk quickly away from the house. After a pause of several seconds: )

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Rebound, Daria, rebound.

(_Daria glances at her._)

**DARIA:** (_straining to sound nonchalant_) I'm not bothered.

**JANE:** Oh yeah. That's only why you're walking like you're on a Nazi march.

(Daria looks down, notices how stiffly she's holding her arms. She relaxes a little.)

**DARIA:** Hey, if Trent wants to go out with whoever he **wants**, who am **I** to stop him??

**JANE:** Daria, this is **me** you're talking to. Listen, I can understand you being upset --

(_Daria frowns._)

**DARIA:** I am **not** upset. (_Bt_) Who Trent sees is **his** business.

**JANE:** And the fact that you've liked him for over a year means nothing?

**DARIA:** Look, Jane, you said it yourself: if I didn't tell Trent how I felt, sooner or later he'd **find** somebody. Well your tarot cards were right. Now I'll just have to accept it.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** (_trying to find the bright side_) Hey, maybe she's **not** the one. Maybe he's tired of her already and they'll break up --

(_Daria stops abruptly. Jane does, too._)

**DARIA:** (_an edge in her voice_) And **then** what, Jane? He'll come crawling back to me, realizing the horrible mistake he's made?? (_Bt_) I don't think so.

(Pause. Now Jane doesn't know what to say. She looks sympathetic and resigned.)

**DARIA:** The sad truth is, Trent never noticed me because he was never **meant** to notice me. We're five years apart. Our lives are completely different. Who was I trying to kid??

(_long pause. Daria and Jane just stand there._)

**DARIA:** Um, Jane, if you don't mind, I'd kind of like to walk home alone.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** I understand. (chuckles, rolls her eyes in a manner that suggests she's trying to act amused) But gosh, **now** what'll I do? There's no way I'm gonna spoil my big exit by heading back home.

**DARIA:** How 'bout tagging public property with your signature? It takes time **and** it's expressive.

**JANE:** Now there you go. (_turns, starts to leave. then, with concern_) You sure you'll be okay?

(Daria waves her hand in a "sure, sure" manner. She starts walking away.)

**DARIA:** I'll survive. (_Bt_) See ya.

**JANE:** Yeah. Bye.

(Cut to side shot of Daria walking away. She bows her head a little, wears a sad expression. fade-out.)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Morgendorffer house, nighttime_)

(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the bathroom. Daria's standing at one of the sinks, dressed in her pajamas, staring at herself in the mirror. She fingers her hair, then removes her glasses and looks at herself without them. Then she puts them back on and stares at herself some more. Finally: )

**DARIA:** (_to her reflection. soft and decisive_) You're an idiot. (_Pause_) You're **such** an idiot.

(As she says this last bit, Quinn comes into the bathroom, also dressed in her pajamas.)

**QUINN:** (_chipper_) No arguments, here.

(_Daria glares at her as she takes her place at the other sink._)

**DARIA:** Excuse me, this is a private conversation. (_Bt_) Although given the subject, I could see how you'd think otherwise.

(_Quinn rolls her eyes._)

**QUINN:** Excuse **me**, Daria, this is **my** bathroom, too. If you wanna act like some kind of **weirdo** an' talk to yourself, go do it in your **own** room.

**DARIA:** (_snapping. defiant_) **Fine**. I will.

(She stalks out of the bathroom. Quinn sighs contentedly and spreads out her arms, happy to have the bathroom all to herself. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of Daria sitting, slumped over, on the edge of her bed in the dark. After several seconds, she finally, slowly, lies down. Grabs the covers, curls up in a ball, gathers them around her, and closes her eyes. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the fantasy sequence. close-up of the older Trent's face. He's smiling a crooked smile.)

**TRENT:** Denise? **That** bitch? We were **never** serious.

(Cut to a wider shot. Trent and Daria are both sitting on the couch. Trent has his arms wrapped around Daria's waist, and his face is maybe a few inches from hers.)

**DARIA:** Yeah, well you really had me worried for a while.

**TRENT:** I'm sorry, my love. (_Bt_) She was just some girl I used to fill the void 'cause I thought you didn't want me.

**DARIA:** (_sweet. vulnerable_) Not want you, Trent? Never.

**TRENT:** Well anyway, that's **all** in the past, now. (_Bt_) We're together, and **nothin'** can tear us apart, right?

(_Daria smiles -- **really** smiles._)

**DARIA:** Right.

(Trent leans toward her, tips her face upward, and gives her a long, deep kiss.)

(_Cut to shot of the present Daria. She's fallen asleep, looks more peaceful._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Lawndale High cafeteria, a few days later_)

(_Shot of outside. cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting at their table._)

**JANE:** So, I was thinking, when we go to your house today --

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) **My** house, again?

**JANE:** Is there a problem?

**DARIA:** Only that you've been over each of the past three days.

**JANE:** (_trying to sound nonchalant_) Hey, it's just sometimes, what with those big, heavy curtains over my windows, my room can feel sort of stifling.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Whereas the padded walls in **my** room really brighten up the atmosphere.

**JANE:** Exactly.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** Jane, we can't avoid your house forever.

**JANE:** Can we at least try?

**DARIA:** No. (_sighs. resigned_) I'm just gonna have to accept that at some point, I'll see Trent with Cherise.

**JANE:** Den-ise.

**DARIA:** (_annoyed that Jane would even care if the name was right_) **Whatever**. (_Pause_) So, um, what's she like? (_looks a little uncomfortable_)

**JANE:** (_trying to sidestep_) Don't know. I haven't seen her around much. I don't think she and Trent are very close.

(_Daria regards her with a deadpan expression._)

**DARIA:** **Be** honest.

(_Jane shrugs, looks resigned._)

**JANE:** Well... it's hard to talk to someone who's locked to your brother's lips.

(Daria looks startled and a bit crushed. She blinks several times. Jane tries to soften the blow.)

**JANE:** Daria, I'm sorry -- I shouldn't've said it like that.

(_Daria cocks a resigned eyelid._)

**JANE:** Well hey, you don't need to take this lying down. (_Bt_) We'll find **you** a guy.

**DARIA:** No thanks. I'm taking my cue from Thoreau.

**JANE:** Thoreau?

**DARIA:** Yeah. **He** lived alone. **He** was happy.

**JANE:** **And** he lived in an age when a woman baring her ankle was considered a sexual come-on. (_Bt_) Daria, we're in the **modern** world, here. You can go after a guy if you want to.

**DARIA:** (_resolute_) Well I don't **want** to. (_Bt_) Seriously, I'm not bothered by my single status.

(Suddenly, from off screen, we hear Brittany and Kevin reading lines from Othello.)

KEVIN: "Be, uhhh, thus as thou are dead, an' I will kill thee and love thee after." (_Bt_) Hey, she's about to bite the dust. **Cool** babe -- I mean, **Des**.

**BRITTANY:** Oh Othello-y, you're so silly! (_Bt_) Um "banish me, my lord, but kill me not."

**KEVIN:** Hey Des, what's a "strumpet"?

**BRITTANY:** Kevvy! Just stick to the lines!

(_Jane looks at Daria._)

**DARIA:** Not bothered. Other than by the fact that they've ruined a classic.

(Cut to wider shot of the table. Suddenly Jodie and Mack walk past, holding hands. Jane looks at Daria.)

**DARIA:** Not bothered.

(_Pause. She and Jane sit there._)

**DARIA:** (_slowly, giving in_) So, um, I wonder what Ted's up to these days.

(_Pause. Jane looks uncomfortable._)

**JANE:** Oh well... I don't think you want to look him up.

**DARIA:** Why not?

**JANE:** He's sort of going with Stacy right now. [*] see Austin Covello's "A Day in the Life of Stacy"

(_Pause. Daria blinks, startled._)

**DARIA:** Stacy? **Fashion** Club Stacy??

**JANE:** (_nodding_) Yeah.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_irritated_) So **Skipper's** got a boyfriend and I **don't**?? **Now** I'm bothered.

(_Jane pumps a fist encouragingly._)

**JANE:** Well let's see what we can **do** about it, then. (_Pause. looks off screen_) Hey! Hey you!

(Daria looks in the direction she's looking, bewildered. We see a guy walk on screen. He's tall, with a scraggly beanpole body, a huge nose and Adam's apple, and timid-looking eyes. Daria turns and glares at Jane.)

**JANE:** (_to the guy. playful_) I saw you lookin' at my friend a minute ago.

**GUY:** (_stammering_) I-I was just wonderin' where she got 'er jacket, that's all. (his voice is squeaky and annoying, like that guy Corey's, the one who likes Quinn)

**JANE:** (_unfazed_) Well why not sit with us, and I'm sure she'll give you **all** the details.

(The guy sits down, next to Daria. Daria mouths an "I hate you" to Jane, then turns to the guy.)

**DARIA:** You sure you want to take orders from a mental patient?

(The guy looks startled. He gazes blankly at Jane, blinks a few times. Jane chuckles, waves her hand nonchalantly.)

**JANE:** Oh, she's just playing hard-to-get 'cause she's a little shy. Aren't ya, Daria?

**DARIA:** (_to the guy_) You know, when she holds her head at certain angles, you can see the scars from her cranial lobotomy.

(The guy looks at Daria, startled, then at Jane. His expression goes from startled to sort of freaked. He starts to edge away, looking like he's ready to bolt. Jane puts up her hand in a "stop" motion.)

**JANE:** She's kidding! She's kidding!

**DARIA:** (_to the guy. cocking an eyelid_) And her sense of perception's out-of-whack.

**JANE:** (_to the guy. urgent_) **Please** sit. Stay. Tell us about yourself. (_Bt. chuckles_) Like, for starters, your **name**.

(_The guy freezes, looks uncertain. Finally: _)

**GUY:** Um, my name's Barry.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** (_like it's the best thing she's ever heard_) Barry! Great to meet you! (_Bt_) Daria, say hi to Barry!

**DARIA:** (_to Barry_) Sometimes, the anti-depressant meds they put her on make her a little... (_waves her hand to indicate the word "fruity"_)

(Jane sighs an exasperated "At least **try**." Daria comprehends, rolls her eyes. Looks at Barry again.)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Hi, Barry.

**JANE:** So, Barry? What kind of school activities do you do?? Any sports? Clubs? Chess club, math club, anything?

**BARRY:** Oh, I belong to the Taxidermy Society.

(_Pause. Jane and Daria look at each other uneasily._)

**DARIA:** (_slowly_) I didn't know we **had** a Taxidermy Society.

**BARRY:** We didn't -- 'til **I** started one. I'm still looking for other members...

(_Daria closes her eyes._)

**DARIA:** Say no more.

(_Pause. Then Jane does another encouraging fist pump._)

**JANE:** Well **hey**, he's a guy who takes **initiative**! (_Bt_) And you, um, like to bring out the **life** in death. Don't you, Barry? (_before he can answer_) Sure ya do. (_Bt_) Well, let's say we pick a new topic. Got any, Daria?? (_looks at her beseechingly_)

**DARIA:** Oh, I'd prefer to trust **your** judgment, Jane.

(_Jane rolls her eyes, annoyed._)

**JANE:** Fine, **fine**. (_Bt_) So, Barry, d' you like to read?

**BARRY:** (_nodding_) Uh-huh.

(_Jane smirks at Daria. Daria cocks an eyelid with vague interest._)

**JANE:** Daria here likes the classics. Are you into any classic authors?

(_Beat_)

**BARRY:** Does L. Ron Hubbard count?

(Pause. Daria and Jane look at each other. Then they both close their eyes and shake their heads.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_Daria's room, after school_)

(_Close-up of the T.V. screen._)

SSW ANNOUNCER: "Can dogs and humans get **hitched**?? This couple in Tennessee hopes to find out on the **next** Sick Sad World!!!"

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed, watching. The sound fades into the background.)

**DARIA:** It was still a rotten trick.

**JANE:** Hey, like I **knew** he was gonna be such a big creep when he sat down.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Oh I'm sure. (_Pause. makes a sour face_) I can't believe I gave him my **phone** number.

**JANE:** I thought you gave him the number for Cashman's juniors department.

**DARIA:** That was the **first** one I gave him. (_Bt_) Then I buckled under and gave him my own.

**JANE:** (_satisfied_) **Now** who's the foolish one?

(Daria looks at her with a "hardy har-har" expression. Turns away, sighs. Cocks and eyelid.)

**DARIA:** Getting over Trent's gonna be harder than I thought. (_Bt_) But at least there's a silver lining to this mess: you've still got Jesse.

(_Jane chuckles and rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) Our quartet hasn't completely shattered. (_absorbs Jane's chuckle_) What??

(_Pause_)

**JANE:** (_amused. resigned_) Daria, I don't have anything going on with Jesse. He's never ever noticed me, and frankly I'm starting to wonder if I even care.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_subdued_) Oh.

(_Pause_)

**JANE:** Hey, look, the show's back on. (_points to the screen_)

(Daria nods and turns her face to the screen, but after several seconds, you can tell she's not paying attention. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the future fantasy sequence. Older Trent's still lounging on the couch, holding his guitar but not playing. Looks about ready to nod off. Daria's in the foreground, typing away on her Mac laptop. Suddenly she stops, notices the silence, and turns around to look at Trent. She frowns, as if considering what to do next. Then: )

**DARIA:** (_hesitant_) Um, Trent?

(_Trent's eyes widen as he tries to wake himself up._)

**TRENT:** Huh?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** I was thinking: now that we're married, it'd be real nice if we could, you know, talk.

(_Trent cocks a brow._)

TRENT: 'Kay. That sounds good.

(_He sits up straighter. Daria comes over and sits beside him. long pause._)

**DARIA:** So... um, how's your day been?

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** Pretty damn tiring. I've been sitting here, trying to write a song, and it hasn't come to me yet.

**DARIA:** Oh. That's too bad.

**TRENT:** Thought the clicking of your keyboard would keep me awake, but no problem there. (_yawns and stretches_)

**DARIA:** (_a bit flat_) Oh.

**TRENT:** So how's **your** day been?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_somewhat weary_) Oh, um, about the same. (_gestures at the computer_)

**TRENT:** Ah...

(long pause. Trent sits there, wearing a tranquil expression, while Daria tries to figure out what to say next. Finally: )

**DARIA:** Um, got anything you'd like to discuss?

(_Pause. Trent blinks._)

**TRENT:** I dunno. (_Bt_) It's your fantasy.

(_Pause. Daria scratches her head._)

**DARIA:** Oh... yeah, right.

(_**long** pause_)

**TRENT:** So? You wanna go to bed with me?

(_Daria's eyes widen._)

**DARIA:** Um-um, okay.

(Suddenly we hear the sound of knocking off screen. Daria gets hold of herself.)

**DARIA:** I wonder who **that** could be.

(Cut to shot of the door. Daria walks over to it. Trent remains behind, slumped over on the couch in a sleepy pose. Daria opens the door to reveal an older Jane and Jesse. Jane's all dressed in black, with long black leggings and a smock-like top. Her hair is piled on top of her head. Jesse, meanwhile, is dressed **exactly** the same as we've always seen him, even minus the shirt. Still wears the same confused expression, too. The only difference is that he's shaved all of his hair off.)

**DARIA:** Hi, you guys. (_Bt. glances in Trent's direction._) Trent, why don't you -- **Trent**?

(Trent's nodded off. Pause. Then Jane walks in and claps her hands together.)

**JANE:** Yo, Trent!

(_Trent raises his head._)

**TRENT:** Huh? (_sees Jane and Jesse_) Oh, hey.

**JANE:** Sorry to interrupt your deep-thinking time.

**TRENT:** No, hey, it's cool.

**DARIA:** (_to Jane_) So what brings you by?

**JANE:** Jesse and Trent have to rehearse.

**JESSE:** Yuh.

(_Daria stares at him for a second, then turns back to Jane._)

**DARIA:** Oh, I see. (_Bt_) So, um, was the drive here okay?

**JESSE:** Yuh.

**JANE:** Actually, we hit a traffic snarl and lost about an hour's time.

**JESSE:** Yuh.

(_Pause. Jane frowns at him, as does Daria._)

**DARIA:** (_to Jane_) So you actually managed to **gather** from him that he and Trent had to rehearse?

(_Jane rolls her eyes._)

**JANE:** I looked for hidden meaning in his gestures.

**JESSE:** Yuh.

(_Jane turns to him._)

**JANE:** (_exploding_) Would you **stop** saying that??!!

**DARIA:** Is that all he **can** say?

**JESSE:** Y-- (_Jane puts her hand up. He stops._)

JANE: "Is that all he can say??" "Is that all he can **say**???" she asks. (_laughs hysterically_) Yes, **dammit** that's **all** he can say!!! (_turns to Jesse_) For the whole time we've been married, **every** answer to **every** question. Do you love me? "Yuh." Do you think I'm sexy? "Yuh." Do you support the U.N. peacekeeping mission to Bosnia? "Yuh." (_Bt_) If you say "yuh" **one** more time, I'm gonna **explode**!!!

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** (_to Jesse_) So bro, you ready?

**JESSE:** Yuh.

(_Jane grabs her head._)

**JANE:** Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!

(Her face turns bright red, balloons, and explodes. She collapses on the floor. Pause)

**JESSE:** (_looking at her_) Whoa.

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** (_also looking at her. to Daria_) Is she dead?

**DARIA:** No. (_Bt_) My fantasies are never **that** malicious...

(_They continue to stare at Jane. Suddenly, from off screen: _)

**QUINN:** (_sing-songy_) Oh, Daria!

(Cut to close-up of the present Daria. She shakes her head. cut to wider shot. Quinn approaches her bed, holding one of her jackets by the tips of her fingers.)

**DARIA:** (_to Jane. deadpan_) Do you know any **Daria**?

**QUINN:** (_rushing on_) Here's your jacket back. It's been in my closet, like, **forever**. [*] see "Monster," "The Old and the Beautiful"

**DARIA:** (_to Quinn_) Thanks. Now hang it up and be on your merry way.

(_Quinn lays the jacket on the bed, next to Jane._)

**QUINN:** Um, I couldn't help overhearing --

**JANE:** (_to Daria. dryly_) Our secret plot to spread the anthrax virus throughout New York's subway system? (_Bt_) **Damn**, we're done for.

(_Quinn rolls her eyes._)

**QUINN:** Not plans for one of your **dumb** field trips. That other stuff about Trent having a new girlfriend...

(Pause. Jane looks at Quinn, surprised. Then glances at Daria. Daria rolls her eyes in a "She **knows**" manner.) [*] Quinn found out about Daria's crush on Trent in "The Tie That Chokes."

**QUINN:** (_continuing_) Frankly, Daria, I think you could do better. **Anyone** could. But --

**JANE:** (_annoyed_) **Excuse** me, that's my **brother** you're talking about.

(Quinn chuckles, as if this is the first time it's occurred to her, and flings a hand at Jane.)

**QUINN:** Oh -- right. (_Bt_) Anyway, Daria, **I** know a way you can get 'im back.

(_Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid at her._)

**DARIA:** (_warily interested_) You do?

**JANE:** (_under her breath_) **This** should be good.

**QUINN:** Yeah. You just gotta make him **jealous**.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Lure him with my feminine wiles.

**QUINN:** (_continuing. oblivious_) See, one week Skylar was ignoring me, so I, like, got Joey, Jeffy, and John-John to **shower** me with all kinds of cool stuff like flowers and jewelry and --

(_Quinn's voice fades into the background. Jane leans toward Daria._)

**JANE:** (_hushed_) You're not actually **buying** this, are you?

**DARIA:** No. (_Bt_) But she does have **one** point -- I gotta start taking the offensive. Let's go over to your house tomorrow.

**JANE:** You sure you want to?

**DARIA:** Yeah, I'm sure.

**QUINN:** -- and **pretty** soon, they were fighting over who was gonna buy me that **cute** little Miata in the car store window on Dega Street. Skylar's still filling out the paperwork. (_Bt_) So you **see**, Daria, **that's** how it's done!

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Wow. Your wisdom astounds me, Quinn.

**QUINN:** Now **you** could probably find some **loser** guy --

**JANE:** (_nudging Daria. droll_) Barry, can you read me?

(_Daria glares at her._)

**QUINN:** -- and get **him** to make Trent jealous. (_smirks satisfactorily_)

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Sure. Right. I'll keep that in mind. (_Bt_) Now would ya **get** out??

**QUINN:** (_serene_) Gladly.

(She walks away, brushing her hands together as if to say, "My work here is done." cut to close-up Daria. She sighs, then frowns, as if in thought.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 6 (_the Lanes' house, afternoon the next day_)

(Shot of Daria and Jane approaching the walkway of Jane's house. Daria still appears to be frowning with thought.)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Make him jealous...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of the fantasy future living room. Older Daria's typing on her laptop, or at least **trying** to. We hear the loud sounds of Trent and Jesse playing "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire" off screen. Jane, her head once again intact, lies sprawled across the couch. The slight rise and fall of her chest indicates she's still alive. Suddenly, we hear the sound of knocking at the door.)

**DARIA:** Who could **that** be??

(Pause. cut to shot of the door. Daria walks over and opens it, revealing a tall, broad-shouldered man in a turtleneck sweater and tweed coat. Daria gazes at him, utterly shocked.)

**DARIA:** **Marcello**! What're **you** doing here??

(_Marcello leans forward and takes her hand._)

**MARCELLO:** (_husky Italian accent_) Daria, I've come to take you away from this place.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** But I --

(_from off screen: _)

**JANE:** Well here we are.

(Cut to close-up of the present Daria. She shakes her head. cut to wider shot. She and Jane are standing in the Lanes' hallway.)

**JANE:** So, how does it feel?

(_Pause. Daria shrugs._)

**DARIA:** I haven't dropped dead, yet.

**JANE:** Good. Maybe we can escape to my room before we're spotted.

(_Daria nods. They start going upstairs. Suddenly, from off screen: _)

**TRENT:** Hey Janey, Daria.

(_They cringe and turn around as Trent approaches them._)

**DARIA:** Um... hi... Trent.

(_Trent cocks a brow._)

**TRENT:** (_to Daria_) Long time, no see.

**JANE:** (_sardonic_) Yeah, well you've been pretty **busy** these days.

(_Trent chuckles, coughs._)

**TRENT:** You're right. (_Bt_) And as a matter of fact, I've been thinking: you guys 'n' me ought to spend more time together.

(Beat. Daria and Jane gaze at each other with "dare we **hope**?" expressions.)

**TRENT:** Me 'n' Denise are going to a concert in the park on Saturday, an' we thought maybe you could tag along.

(_Pause. Daria's face is now expressionless. Jane glances at her and frowns._)

**JANE:** (_to Trent_) **Excuse** me, but we have **plans** on Saturday. What makes you think we'd wanna hang out with you an' your girlfriend, anyway??

(_Beat. Trent blinks._)

**TRENT:** I just thought -- 'cause you got on my case about not getting to meet 'er --

**JANE:** (_exasperated_) Trent, that was almost a **week** ago. And you're waiting 'til **now** to make it up to me?? Well it's too late --

**DARIA:** (_calmly_) We'll be there.

(_Beat. Jane gazes at Daria, stunned._)

**JANE:** **Huh**??

(_Beat. Trent smiles a crooked, grateful smile at Daria._)

**TRENT:** Cool. (_Bt_) See Janey, Daria wants to go. So are ya in?

(_Jane sighs, rolls her eyes._)

**JANE:** Sure. Why **not**??

**TRENT:** Cool. I'll go get Denise and we can talk about it some more.

**JANE:** (_weary. lowered voice_) Denise is **here**. Great.

(Trent walks away off screen. Meanwhile, Daria still appears calm. Jane looks at her.)

**JANE:** (_suspicious_) What've you got up your sleeve?

**DARIA:** (_nonchalant_) I just want to meet Denise, that's all.

(_Beat. Jane gets a wicked expression._)

**JANE:** Try not to leave any evidence for the cops to find.

(Daria is impassive, making no affirmative or negative gestures. Pause. We then see Trent walk on screen with a girl. She's young, rather pretty and sort of on the petite side, but is also dressed the way you'd think a girlfriend of Trent's **would** dress. She has a nose ring and a pierced eyebrow, semi-Goth make-up, dyed bright red hair, and raggedy clothing. Her top has filmy sleeves, revealing a few tattoos on her arms.)

**TRENT:** Janey, you've met Denise. Denise, this is Daria, Janey's friend.

(_Denise extends her hand._)

**DENISE:** (_to Daria_) Cool. It's a pleasure to meet you.

(_Beat. Daria shakes her hand._)

**DARIA:** That remains to be seen.

(_Cut to close-up Daria's face. She smirks._)

**END OF ACT TWO**

[The older Jane's head is in the process of exploding, while older Daria, Trent, and Jesse look on.]

You are now entering commercial **HELL**. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

  * To all those adults who feel they've reclaimed their long-lost childhood at Disneyland, here's some advice: Grow up! Life isn't Fantasyland...

* And speaking of childish... who's idea was it to come up with those Carl's Jr. ads where the burger drips all over you when you eat it?? Who did they think it would appeal to?? People who think it's **fun** to spill food on their clothes?? And you would be **how** old...??

* The one where the slacker college student orders a Saturn over the Internet, and his zoned-out roommate goes, "Did somebody order a Saturn?" Actually, when I first saw this commercial, I thought it was sort of cool. 'Til I thought: I don't **know** any college kids with pockets **that** deep. Hmm, a subtle plug for college students to max out their credit??

You are now leaving commercial **HELL**. Aren't you happy you survived?

## 

'SHIPPED OUT

* * *

**ACT THREE**

SCENE 1 (_Trent's car, late Saturday morning_)

(Shot of Daria standing on the curb outside her house, her back to us. Trent's car approaches, stops. Daria opens the door and climbs in. cut to inside frontal shot. Trent's driving, Denise sits beside him in the front passenger seat, and Jane sits in the back, on the right hand side. Daria settles in on the left hand side, so that she's behind Denise. Trent takes off.)

**TRENT:** Hey, Daria. How's it goin'?

**DARIA:** Okay. How 'bout you? (_before he can answer_) You're **awake** this early on a Saturday??

**DENISE:** (_bubbly_) I kinda had to **wrestle** him out of bed.

(_Trent chuckles, coughs._)

**TRENT:** Yeah.

(_Daria looks at Jane, shocked. Jane rolls her eyes._)

**JANE:** (_under her breath_) **Don't** ask. (_Pause. smirks wickedly_) **So**, have you heard from **Barry**, yet?

**DARIA:** (_also hushed_) He's called three times. And each and every time, I've managed to be in the shower. (_Bt_) I'm hoping he'll reach the conclusion that I've decided to grow gills and live underwater with the **rest** of the fish-people, and leave me the hell alone.

**JANE:** From what I've seen, I think he'd view it more as a **turn-on**.

(_Daria rolls her eyes. Beat_)

**TRENT:** So, Daria, we were thinkin' we could stop off at the market and pick up some stuff to eat in the park.

**DENISE:** Yeah, we can't last for hours on beef jerky and a stick of black licorice.

**TRENT:** **Some** of us can't. (_glances pointedly at Denise_)

(Daria and Jane don't see it, but Denise rolls her eyes. A long pause follows. Then Daria leans toward Denise, a wicked smirk slowly spreading across her face.)

**DARIA:** Denise. We haven't had much of a chance to talk yet, have we?

**DENISE:** Nope. Can't say we have.

**DARIA:** So why don't you tell me a little about yourself. (_Bt_) Like, oh, how you and Trent first **met**.

(_Denise giggles._)

**DENISE:** Sure, okay. (_Bt_) Well, like, I first saw Trent at McPatty's. That's a girls' grunge club. See, McGrundy's is, like, a guys' grunge club 'cause "Grundy's" is kinda all tough and **rugged** (_growls a bit as she says "rugged"_), whereas Patty is a girl's name, so --

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Yes. Your point is clear.

**DENISE:** Oh, okay. (_Bt_) So anyway, I play the drums in this band, along with Trent's friend, Monique --

(_At the name "Monique," Daria cocks a depressed eyelid._) [*] see "Pierce Me"

**DENISE:** -- and, so one night Trent was, like, there in the audience an' so Monique brings me down and introduces us and says, "Yo Denise, you wanna **real** stallion to ride?? Well I've **got** one for ya!"

(_Daria's and Jane's eyes widen._)

**DENISE:** (_continuing_) So she got me rappin' with Trent, and I gotta say, from that night on, I haven't been disappointed.

(She slaps Trent lightly on his upper thigh, which surprises him and causes him to swerve the car a bit. cut to close-up Daria. She sinks down in her seat and heaves a sigh, as if to say, "It's gonna be a **long** day." fade-out.)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 2 (_the supermarket_)

(Shot of the car parking in the parking lot. Trent, Denise, Daria, and Jane all climb out. They appear to be in mid-conversation.)

**DARIA:** (_to Denise. deadpan_) Wow. I didn't know you could **get** pierced on that part of your body.

(_Denise giggles._)

**DENISE:** Well ya can't **legally**, but Axl told me he'd let it slide if I slipped 'im an extra fifty and claimed all liability.

**DARIA:** That's what I call operating strictly according to the letter of the law. [*] see "Pierce Me"

**JANE:** (_to Denise_) But doesn't it hurt when you and Trent -- (_Daria elbows her hard._) **Owwwwww**!!!

(Cut to shot of the supermarket's sliding doors, as seen from the inside. Trent, Denise, Daria, and Jane walk through. Jane is still rubbing her arm. Leans toward Daria.)

**JANE:** Okay, so maybe the answer's **obvious** -- but what d' you think of Denise?

**DARIA:** She speaks in complete sentences.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** You sure? (_Bt_) She lost me a little when she claimed she had the power to channel Kurt Cobain through her Buddhist chanting.

**DARIA:** At least that was the one **intelligent** thing she said. (_Bt_) Is she like this all the time?

**JANE:** From what little I've seen (_rolls her eyes_) **yes**.

(_Daria groans._)

**JANE:** (_trying to find a silver lining._) Well c'mon, maybe we should give her more of a chance.

(_Daria sneers in response._)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) A chance, she says...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Daria and Denise standing a short distance apart at the bread aisle. They're both examining the shelves. Finally Daria selects a French loaf. Denise, meanwhile, looks and looks, then selects pita bread. Turns to Daria.)

**DENISE:** Y' know, pita bread is **really** good soul food. They say when you're depressed, eat a slice with some hommus an' your mood'll clear right up.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Well, I think it'll take more than bread to cure my seventeen-year long depression, but thanks for the advice.

(_Denise shrugs._)

**DENISE:** (_nonchalant_) Don't mention it.

(_Pause. Daria turns back to face the shelf, but her eyes are on Denise._)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) He could do much, much better...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of freezers of soda, beer, and other related beverages. Daria's already standing there, trying to figure out which soda to buy. Denise walks up and, as before, stands a short distance away, perusing the alcoholic drinks. Finally she slides open the door and takes out a couple of wine coolers.)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over. deadpan_) Alcohol. (_Bt. to herself_) Now, now, she's over twenty-one -- it's her prerogative.

(_Denise turns to Daria, holding up the wine coolers._)

**DENISE:** You an' Jane'll have to have some of this. It tastes just like orange soda, only with more zip.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Zip. Super.

(_Denise giggles and exits off screen._)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Offers alcohol to a minor. (_Bt_) Subtract five from the checklist...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Daria, purchases in hand, walking down an aisle toward the checkout counter. She's frowning.)

**DARIA:** Dammit, **what** does he see in her?? Is she an example of the kind of girl Trent **goes** for?? (_Bt_) Dammit, I don't have much, but I **am** smart, I --

(_from off screen, voice-over: _)

**MARCELLO:** Daria, you're an intelligent woman who deserves **more**. You have so **many** gifts to share with the world, and you need someone who can **appreciate** you...

(Cut to shot of a line at one of the checkout counters. Jane, Denise, and Trent are already standing at the end of it. Trent's looking through a tabloid magazine, and Jane's perusing the rows of candy. Daria approaches them. As she does so, Denise is saying to Trent: )

**DENISE:** (_slightly peevish_) I can't believe you **read** that kind of stuff.

(_Jane looks up from the candy, surprised._)

**JANE:** (_to Denise_) I can't believe you **don't**.

**TRENT:** (_slightly defensive_) Hey, so I like looking at the photos of alien spaceships. What's it **to** you??

**DENISE:** I just don't like the way they represent people, that's all.

(_Pause. Daria's face registers some surprise. Jane turns to her._)

**JANE:** So Daria, I was just telling Trent about **Barry**, your new boyfriend.

(_Daria makes a sour face._)

**DARIA:** Barry?? My **boyfriend**???

**JANE:** (_pointed_) **Yes**, I was telling him what a **cool** and **interesting** guy he is. (_exaggerated wink. Daria gets it._)

**DARIA:** Oh, right. Barry. My boyfriend.

(Trent looks up from his magazine. Cocks a subtly-impressed eyebrow at Daria.)

**TRENT:** Yeah, glad to see you've found somebody. (_Bt_) Is all that stuff Janey said true?

**DARIA:** **What** stuff, exactly?

**JANE:** (_before he can respond_) Oh, nothing much -- just how Barry tells you **every** day how beautiful and special you are, and how each morning he checks on you in homeroom to make sure you made it to school safely.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_to Trent_) Oh yeah. Every word.

**DENISE:** (_slight frown_) Hell, wouldn't **that** be nice.

(_Trent glances at her briefly. Jane rushes on._)

**JANE:** **Also**, I told Trent how Barry's always complimenting you for being so **mature** and **sincere** and thoughtful, and for always listening to his problems --

**DARIA:** Now, Jane, don't go **overboard**. (_makes a big "Ix-nay" gesture_)

**JANE:** (_getting it_) Oh, right.

(Pause. Daria glances stealthily at Trent, looking for any sort of reaction. His face is unreadable. Finally he cocks his brow again.)

**TRENT:** Sounds cool.

(Pause. Daria sizes up his comment, then glances at Jane. Nods a curt "I'm going for it.")

**DARIA:** Yes, it **is** cool. (_Bt_) And yet, I'm not so sure Barry's the right guy for me. I mean he's **nice**, but I'm looking for someone a little (_glances pointedly at Trent_) **older**.

(_Trent's expression doesn't change._)

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) A guy who carries wisdom and life experience. **And** (_another pointed glance_) who knows me almost as well as I know myself. Like an old **friend**. (_Bt_) Gee, I wonder where I'll **find** such a guy. Do **you** know, Jane?

**JANE:** I only wish, Daria, I only wish.

(Pause. Both looks at Trent. Meanwhile, Trent and Denise act as though their remarks haven't registered. Finally: )

**TRENT:** (_to Daria_) Too bad you're lookin' for someone new. (_Bt_) That Barry guy sounds nice.

(_Daria makes a sour face._)

**DARIA:** (_weakly_) Oh, um, he is.

(_Pause_)

**DENISE:** Hey, we're up. (_points to the cashier at the register_)

(Daria and Jane look at each other with expressions of defeat. So much for Quinn's advice.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_drivin' to the park_)

(Shot of Trent, Denise, Daria, and Jane riding in the car. Daria and Jane still wear defeated, somewhat contrite expressions. They're listening to Denise talk.)

DENISE: ... And so, like, I didn't think anything would help me after my brother got paralyzed in the car accident, but I found that Buddhism, like, **really** centered me, and gave me strength to handle the crisis --

(_Daria and Jane glance at each other uneasily. fade-out_)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 4 (_the park_)

(Wide shot of a long stretch of green grass, with an amphitheater at one end. We hear folk music being played. On the grass, people are scattered about, lounging on blankets, et cetera. cut to shot of Daria, Jane, Trent, and Denise lounging on a blanket on a grassy mound. Daria and Jane are eating. Daria pauses to examine her food.)

**DARIA:** So this is pita bread. (_Bt_) Not bad.

**JANE:** (_eating the same thing_) I **do** feel strangely cheery.

**DENISE:** (_pleased_) What did I tell you?

**JANE:** (_to Denise_) And you say eating these cherry tomatoes will make you more tranquil under pressure?

**DENISE:** Yeah -- 's what I learned in my course on nutrition and the body. (_Bt. sardonic_) I think your brother's scarfed a few too many.

(She points to Trent -- we see he's spread out, hands behind his head, nodding off.)

**JANE:** Trust me, he needs no **external** substance to produce **that** reaction in him.

(_Denise giggles wildly. This time, Daria and Jane don't act annoyed. Beat._)

**DARIA:** (_to Denise_) Wow, it's pretty cool you're earning a bachelors in NutriSci **and** playing in a band **and** taking care of your brother.

(_Denise shrugs._)

**DENISE:** It's a struggle, sometimes, but I try to stay balanced.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** Um, yeah. (_Bt. turns to Daria_) Hey, Daria, you wanna take a trip with me to the bathroom?

**DARIA:** Don't you mean port-o-toilet?

**JANE:** Whatever. Come **on**. (_takes Daria's sleeve_)

(Daria looks annoyed, leaves with her reluctantly. They walk a distance away, then stop. Jane turns to Daria.)

**JANE:** (_amused. resigned_) So isn't this about the time you start playing hardball with Denise?

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** Sure. I... was just plotting my course of action.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** Oh really?

**DARIA:** Yeah.

(_Pause. Daria looks down._)

**DARIA:** I can't do it.

(_Pause_)

**JANE:** Me neither.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** I didn't expect her to be sort of...

**JANE:** Cool.

**DARIA:** Yeah. (_Pause. resigned. philosophical_) Well hey, if Trent had to end up with someone **other** than me, at least she's a decent person.

**JANE:** Yeah. (_Pause. shrugs_) I guess we'd better head back, then.

(Daria nods slowly. cut to shot of Denise and Trent on the blanket. Trent's snoring lightly. Denise's looking at him with a slightly peevish expression. Daria and Jane return, sit down.)

**JANE:** (_to Denise_) I decided I could hold it in.

(_Pause. Daria turns her attention to Trent and gazes at him longingly._)

**DENISE:** (_to Daria. also looking at Trent_) Y' know, it's funny, Daria: your talk about your boyfriend earlier got me thinking.

(_Daria glances at her, surprised._)

**DARIA:** About what?

**DENISE:** I dunno... about how certain people can seem so right for you, but that maybe, y' know, they're **not** the one...

(_Jane glances at Daria._)

**DARIA:** (_trying to sound nonchalant_) Oh really?

**DENISE:** Yeah. (_looks at Jane, too_) I hate to say it, 'cause the person I'm thinking of is so sweet 'n' nice --

(_Cut to close-up Daria, reflective._)

**DENISE:** (_off screen_) -- and there really **aren't** a lot of nice guys around, but...

(fade-out. fade-in to the fantasy future scene. Older Daria is standing with Marcello at the door, as she was earlier. The sounds of "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire" have subsided. Daria looks confused.)

**DARIA:** Marcello, I don't know. This is all so sudden...

**MARCELLO:** (_urgent_) Please, Daria, you **must** get away from this place.

**DARIA:** But hey -- why **should** I go with you? You'll always be married to your **work** more than to me.

**MARCELLO:** It's not **myself** I'm thinking of, Daria. I don't care **who** you end up with, so long as it's not --

(Suddenly the older Trent walks on screen. Marcello and Daria look at him. Marcello frowns, while Daria appears stunned and guilty.)

**TRENT:** Hey, Daria, what's up?? Who **is** this??

**MARCELLO:** Just someone who cares whether she has a happy future.

**TRENT:** Yo, hey, **I** make her happy.

**DARIA:** (_trying to defend him, but with little enthusiasm_) Oh yeah, he does.

**MARCELLO:** (_to Daria. suspicious_) Does he **really**? Do you and he work together?? Do you have any exciting plans --??

**TRENT:** **Yo**, mister -- I've **got** exciting plans. My band, Mystik Spiral's about to put out its **first** album. And we're getting a new name.

(Pause. Marcello looks slightly mollified, but Daria gazes at Trent, shocked.)

**DARIA:** Your **first** album --?!

(Cut to close-up shot of the present Daria, listening to Denise, wearing an uncomfortable expression on her face. cut to wider shot. Jane is also listening, with a solemn expression. Trent has rolled over onto his side, but is still snoring lightly. Suddenly Daria breaks in: )

**DARIA:** But, um, what if you tried talking to this person? I bet he'd listen to you if you said you were dissatisfied.

(_Beat_)

**DENISE:** I dunno, I wish it was **that** simple. But, sometimes it just seems like there's this **wall** between us, and we're shouting and shouting, but the sound, like, won't go through. You know what I mean??

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_subdued_) Probably.

(_Cut to close-up Daria, again lost in thought._)

**DENISE:** (_off screen_) Sometimes you and some people can't see each other's needs. An' if that's the case, then you've got, like, **nothing**...

(_Cut to close-up of the older Daria. She wears a pissed-off expression._)

**DARIA:** (_to Trent_) **Twenty** years --

(_Cut to wider shot of her standing with Trent and Marcello._)

**DARIA:** -- and you haven't even put out your first **goddamn** album, yet??!!

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** (_surprised at her anger. defensive_) Hey, we've been trying to work out the kinks in "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire."

**DARIA:** (_scathing deadpan_) Ooh, the showpiece of the album.

**TRENT:** What's your **problem**??

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** You have to **ask**??

**TRENT:** Why're you getting weird on me all of a sudden?? Is it 'cause of him? (_points to Marcello_)

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** **No**. Trust me, Trent, it's all **you**. I can't believe I fell for a guy like you. What the **hell** was I thinking??

**TRENT:** (_cocking a brow. cold_) And what's so **wrong** with me??

**DARIA:** The list is a mile long, but let's start with the big black heading. You're a lazy-ass and a good-for-nothing.

**TRENT:** **Hey**, what did I just tell --?!

**DARIA:** **What**, that you're getting a new name?? I'll believe **that** when I see it.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** You're never gonna **get** a new name, are you, Trent?

(_Pause. Trent looks resigned._)

**DARIA:** (_more solemn_) And if you're stuck in a rut, I don't think I want to be there with you. (_Pause_) I'm going with Marcello. (_steps toward him_)

(_Beat. Trent hangs his head a little._)

**DARIA:** (_to Marcello_) Could you give me a lift to the airport?

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** (_to Daria. serious_) You sure you wanna do this?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_resolute_) Yes.

(_Suddenly Jane comes back to life on the couch. Lifts her head._)

**JANE:** (_to Daria_) If **I** were you, I'd stick with Marcello. (_Bt_) He's cute. (_collapses into unconsciousness once again_)

**DARIA:** Point taken.

(_Beat. Trent gazes right at her._)

**TRENT:** You know, we could've had a great life together, Daria. We really could've.

(_Daria stares right back at him._)

**DARIA:** Could've, would've, might've... I doubt it. (_Bt_) It just wasn't meant to be, Trent.

(_Cut to close-up of the present Daria, frowning slightly._)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) ...it just wasn't meant to be.

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 5 (_drivin' around_)

(Shot of Daria, Jane, Denise, and Trent riding in the car, silent. Daria and Jane look worn out and somewhat depressed. Trent drives, looking sleepy, even after his nap. fade-out.)

(fade-in to car stopped at the curb of the Morgendorffer house. Daria gets out, waves goodbye, shuts the car door, walks up the walkway. fade-out.)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 6 (_Daria's room, sometime later that day_)

(Shot of Daria lying on her stomach on the bed, facing the door. She's holding up Othello as if she's reading it, but her eyes appear to be wandering. Suddenly the phone rings. Daria reaches out her hand in a mock attempt to pick it up. Doesn't get it, puts her arm back down. long pause. Then, off screen: )

**JAKE:** (_calling_) Kiddo! You're little friend's on the phone!

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_to herself_) Jane's calling to make a play date? (_Bt. yelling back_) Thanks, Dad!

(_She sits up, picks up the receiver and puts it against her ear._)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) What's up?

(_From the receiver, a squeaky voice: _)

**BARRY:** Hi, Daria, it's Barry.

(Pause. cut to split screen, Daria on the right, Barry on the left. Behind Barry, we can see several cases of stuffed animal skins -- cats, squirrels, et cetera. Meanwhile, Daria's got on an "ugh" expression.)

**DARIA:** Oh... hi... Barry.

**BARRY:** Boy, you sure take a lot of showers.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Oh, um... the doctor says they're good for my **contagious** skin condition.

**BARRY:** Huh??

(_Daria groans softly._)

**DARIA:** Nothing.

**BARRY:** So anyway, I was wonderin': would ya wanna go **out** with me tonight?

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) And **what's** the occasion again?

**BARRY:** Ah-ha-ha, you're funny! (_Bt_) I thought we could go to the movies -- the cineplex is showing the "Phantom Menace."

**DARIA:** So art imitates life?

**BARRY:** Huh?

**DARIA:** No -- at least **that** menace is invisible.

**BARRY:** (_missing the jab_) Ha-ha-ha! (_Bt_) I hope you don't mind if my mom comes along --

**DARIA:** To spoil our perfect evening?

**BARRY:** Just to warn ya, she's mourning the anniversary of Captain Kirk's death, so she'll be appearing in her Star Fleet uniform.

**DARIA:** This just keeps getting better and better.

**BARRY:** She's fluent in Kling'on. Bet she'd give ya a few lessons if ya want 'em --

(_Suddenly we hear the beeping sound of call-waiting._)

**BARRY:** What's that?

**DARIA:** Another call. (_Bt_) Sorry Barry, I **really** have to take it -- could be a matter of life and death.

**BARRY:** But --

**DARIA:** See ya.

(_She clicks over. Barry's screen is replaced by Jane's._)

**DARIA:** Hello?

**JANE:** Daria! Wait'll you hear the good news!!

(_Daria's eyes widen._)

**DARIA:** What??

**JANE:** Denise broke up with Trent! They've **broken** up! You've got a **shot** at him again!

(_Pause. Daria looks stunned._)

**JANE:** Daria?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_struggles to sound enthusiastic_) Oh... cool. That really makes me happy.

**JANE:** Yeah, I thought it would.

**DARIA:** So where's Trent now?

**JANE:** Dunno -- he left a short time ago. To cool off, I guess.

**DARIA:** (_monotone_) I guess. (_Bt_) Well, I s'pose I should concoct a new strategy, then.

**JANE:** (_crafty_) Yeah, and I'll be right there to back you up if ya need me.

**DARIA:** Oh, I know you will. (_Bt_) Listen, I --

(_She's interrupted by the sound of knocking at her door._)

**DARIA:** Listen, I'd better go. That's probably Dad with my new training wheels.

**JANE:** Huh?

**DARIA:** (_shaking her head_) Don't ask. (_Bt_) Anyway, I'll see you later.

**JANE:** Okay, bye.

(Daria hangs up. cut to full shot of her room. She sits there for a second, then gets up and walks slowly to the door.)

**DARIA:** (_calling as she gets there_) **What**??

(She opens the door. We see Trent standing outside, holding his guitar case. Daria's face takes on a stunned expression.)

**TRENT:** Hey, Daria.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_taken aback_) Um, hey.

**JAKE:** (_calling, from off screen_) Hey kiddo! Jane's brother's here to see you!

**DARIA:** (_calling back_) Thanks for the **warning**, Dad! (_Bt. to Trent_) Um, so what d' you want?

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** Well I was thinkin' 'bout the concert this afternoon --

(_Daria watches receptively._)

**TRENT:** And, well, (_lifts the guitar case_) it **really** got me inspired.

**DARIA:** (_surprised_) You can actually **remember** the concert??

(_Trent chuckles, coughs._)

**TRENT:** Yeah, I guess I did nod off there for a while. (_Bt_) But the stuff I remember's helped me come up with a bunch of song ideas. Wrote some down. (_reaches into his pocket, retrieves some crumpled papers_)

**DARIA:** (_looking at them_) Oh.

(_Beat_)

**TRENT:** I wanted to know if I could run them by you. You could change the words if you think they're not right. (_Bt_) So how 'bout it?

(_Pause. Then Daria cocks an eyelid and smirks._)

**DARIA:** Sure, I'm game. (_Bt_) I mean, what're friends for?

**** THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

The question I asked of Amy in "The Tie That Chokes" is the same one I could ask of Trent: why **wouldn't** he be dating anyone?? The only plausible explanation (_since I doubt it's because he harbors a secret, burning desire for Daria_) is that he's too lazy. **Actually**, the more plausible reason is that the show's writers just want Trent to appear available so Daria can long for him.

A question for me: why did I write this fic? Well, there are three reasons. One, it seemed like a good "breather" episode after the intensity of "That Thing You Say." Although Trent having a girlfriend is an angst-ridden subject, the episode proved to be significantly lighter to write **and**, probably, to read. Secondly, it seemed like the episode that **would** follow TTYS, since that one ended with Daria and Trent putting on a song for Helen. I always knew that I **would** write a cynical 'shipper, but it wasn't until I started writing TTYS that I decided "'Shipped Out" would be my fourth fic.

The major reason, though, is that I agree with Glenn Eichler's take on the Trent/Daria romance. In TOON, Issue #18, he said that for people to get wrapped up in "will they, won't they" and to de-emphasize other aspects of the show would be like someone eating the sprinkles on an ice cream cone and then throwing the rest away. There's **so** much going on with the show, as I'm sure the majority of 'shippers realize. And one of the things we can plainly see is that Daria has opinions and aspirations that wouldn't mesh with Trent's.

I consider Trent to be mainly Daria's transition guy, from Beavis and Butt-Head to a guy who's like herself. However, I **will** be interested to see what happens between those two. The writers, apparently, want to string the "romance" along for as many seasons as possible. :-) There's the remote chance that Trent and Daria could get together briefly, but, like the other cynics out there, I've gotta say that I harbor my doubts.....

Now, **points of interest**

**Barry:** The poor guy probably didn't deserve the scalding he got from Daria and Jane. But remember... this is **Daria** and **Jane** we're talking about. Besides, it **is** slightly creepy that a guy would get his kicks from stuffing dead animal skins (_which is what "taxidermy" is_).

**Different flow:** Writing this fanfic was quite a different experience from writing my previous three. For the first time, I got to portray Daria front-and-center in all her droll glory. In the first two, she was droll, but in the background, and in TTYS, she was in the foreground, but hardly had anything to be droll about. What a nice change of pace! Also, whereas my previous fics contained several tight scenes that built up a sort of tension throughout, this one has several very long, leisurely scenes (_ex: Daria and Jane at lunch in Act II, the market in Act III_). I can even say that I improvised more in this fic than in previous: in Act III, I wasn't exactly sure what Daria was going to do with Denise. I had several scenarios envisioned, but finally I went with the one where Daria slowly warms to her. I figured that to make Denise too much of a ditz would be to give Trent little credit for having taste.

**Where's the ****family**??: Speaking of change of pace, this is the first fic that hasn't prominently featured Helen, Jake, **or** Quinn. I'm not sure why, except in the case of Helen: after the emotional rollercoaster I put her on in TTTC and TTYS, that poor woman needed a break!

**Where's the ****Fashion Club**??: Well, they -- at least **Stacy** -- were there in spirit. I guess they took a vacation at the spa during this episode...

**No ****glasses**: This is the first fic in which I **haven't** mentioned Quinn's vision problems... oops.

**New intro 10 Spot promo:** It occurred to me that if I'm doing "Next Wednesday on the Ten Spot," I ought to include the 10 Spot promo at the beginning of each fic as well. Ugh, my work keeps growing... :-)

Now, on to the **games**............!!!

It seems as though the postscript game for TTYS was a little harder for people than I expected it to be (hell, I proofread my fics so many times, I could practically recite them line-for-line by now). I panicked a bit, and even made a desperate plea (_with some subtle blackmail thrown in_) to the people on my mailing list for someone to play it. Finally, duh-duh-duhhhh... **Robert Loudner**, the champion of my last postscript game, stepped up! Way to go! Here's what he found:

I asked, which of the following three lines occurs in **all** three of my first three fanfics?

a) What's that supposed to mean?   
b) What d' you think?   
c) Mmrrrrrrrrrrr....

Robert found that it was **c**... and he's right! Here's who and where:

"Rose-Colored Lenses": Act III, when Daria and Jane hear Brittany calling to them.

"The Tie That Chokes": Act I, when Helen's irritated at Jake for not wanting to come with her to meet Amy.

"That Thing You Say": Act III, when Daria's sitting in O'Neill's class, the morning after her big fight with Helen.

As for the runners up:

**a** occurs in the following

**RCL:** Act II, Quinn gets ticked off in DeMartino's class when he says she's not a scholar like Daria.

**TTTC:** Act III, Amy gets angry at Helen after Helen accuses her of being closed-off.

**b** occurs in the following

**RCL:** Act II, Quinn comes out to show the family her new clothes.

**TTTC:** Act I, Daria asks Amy how she likes her room

Robert even pointed out some **oopses** I made with my question. I was so sure each line only occurred **once** per episode, but he pointed out places where they'd been said twice. **b** in RCL, Quinn nervously asks Daria how she likes the glasses (_"Um... so what do **you** think, Daria?"_). **c** in TTTC, Helen is grumbling about Amy's chummy relationship with Daria ("'Cause you see, with **you** she's **mmrrrr-mmrrrr-mmrrrr**..."). Congrats, Robert! I dub thee Superfan. :-)

Now here's the **new** game. I've made it slightly easier in order to get more people involved. Which of my **four** fanfics has the most **made-up** characters? I mean completely made-up, never before mentioned on the show. (_Hint: Marcello isn't one of them._) If this one doesn't get any takers, I'll go back to single-episode trivia (_i.e: the counting, etc._) If **that** doesn't get any takers, then **sniff, sniff**, I'll lay my games to rest....

I've written enough fics where I can now establish an **Oops** list:

* RCL: The bathrooms **do** have passageways you walk through to get to their doors. I'd depicted them as having doorways that opened into the hall. Damn and double-damn!

* TTTC: During Daria's "tour" of Lawndale, I refer to the place Daria and Trent went to in "Pierce Me" as the "tattoo parlor" -- actually it's Axl's **Piercing** Parlor. Oh well, he probably does tattoos on the side...

* TTYS: I made an oops that I sort of corrected in this episode. Towards the beginning of TTTC, Daria tells Jane her watch is **broken**... but toward the end of TTYS, she **checks** the time on her watch. I realized that after I sent TTYS out and thought, oh drat!

**Acknowledgements:** As always, I have to give thanks to the library that is Outpost Daria. **And** to Martin Pollard, for putting me on the F.A. page... :-)

If you want to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu. But **please** refrain from sending me any nasty comments about this fanfic...

Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.............. and more dots. Thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright June 1999. All rights reserved. 


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